Miscellaneous quips

A Husband and Wife go to the hospital to deliver their child. The doctor meets them and tells them that he has a new system that will allow the father to take part or all of the mother's labor pains. They both agree and the delivery begins.

The doctor turns the dial to 10%, so that the father will take 10% of the mothers pain.
The husband says he feels fine, so the doctor puts it up a notch.
The husband still feels fine, so the doc puts it up to 30%.
The husband still feels fine, so it goes up to 50%. He tells the doctor, "Go ahead and put it up to 100%."
The husband still feels fine and the child is delivered and the wife felt virtually no pain at all.
The Doctor is amazed at the husband's pain threshold as most men would have keeled over and died at the 50% level. So, they both go back home with their child, where they find the milkman dead on their steps...

A woman goes into the doctor because she's missed a couple of periods and takes a test, revealing she's pregnant. So she goes into the doctor to confirm the results, and finds out she's about 3 1/2 months pregnant. "Hmmmm." she says.
"Is this not good news?" He says to her.
"No, not necessarily.. The problem is that I've been with 5 different guys in the past 4 months, I have no idea who the father could be!"
"Well, it looks as though you may want to contact each of them and have them come in for DNA testing. Then you'll know for sure." Said the Doc.
"I can't do that." She says. "Why not?" The Doctor replies. "Because, they've changed their Screen Names!!!!"

I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example, if you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower racing. Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans off of heads.

Also, if women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be, I sincerely believe this, virtually no military conflicts, and if there were a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side).

So I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the exception of one key area, and that area is: clothing sizes. In this particular area, women are insane. When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective is to purchase clothes that fit on his particular body.

A man will try on a pair of pants, and if those pants are too small, he'll try on a larger pair, and when he finds a pair that fits, he buys them. Most men do not spend a lot of time fretting about the size of their pants. Many men wear jeans with the size printed right on the back label, so that if you're standing behind a man in a supermarket line, you can read his waist and inseam size. A man could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a 30-inch inseam, and his label will proudly display this information, which is basically the same thing as having a sign that says: "Howdy! My butt is the size of a Federal Express truck!"

The situation is very different with women. When a woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her particular body. She would like for that to be the case, but her primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore when she was 19 years old. This will be some arbitrary number such as "5" or "7." Don't ask me "5" or "7" of what; that question has baffled scientists for centuries. All I know is that if a woman was a size 5 at age19, she wants to be a size 5 now, and if a size 5 outfit does not fit her, she will not move on to a larger size: She can't! Her size is 5! So she will keep trying on size 5 items, and unless they start fitting her, she will become extremely unhappy.

She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store, trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of night-vision binoculars. "Hi!" he'll say, when his wife finds him. "You know how sometimes the electricity goes out at night and..." "Am I fat?" she'll ask, cutting him off. This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he answers "yes," she'll be angry because he's saying that she's fat, and if he answers "no," she'll be angry because HE'S OBVIOUSLY LYING BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 5s FIT HER. There is no escape for the husband. I think a lot of unexplained disappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives will be easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know whether they're fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO cult.

The other day my wife, Michelle, was in a terrific mood, and you know why? Because she had successfully put on a size 6 outfit. She said this made her feel wonderful. She said, and this is a direct quote: "I wouldn't care if these pants were this big (here she held her arms far apart) as long as they have a '6' on them."

Here's how you could get rich: Start a women's clothing store called "SIZE 2," in which all garments, including those that were originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the words "SIZE 2." I bet you'd sell clothes like crazy. You'd probably get rich, and you could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic activity to benefit humanity. I'm thinking here of professional lawn mower racing.

Job Opening at the CIA

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took the first man to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!" "You can't be serious," said the man, "I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried," he said, "but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes; take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another, until the clip was empty. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "Somebody loaded the gun with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Darla's Doctor's Visit

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

A man was walking along a California beach one fine day and stumbled across an old lamp? He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie! The genie said, "Master, you have released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the already the fourth time this month, so I'm getting really sick of granting wishes. You can forget about getting three. You only get one wish!"

The man thought about it for a while and replied, "I've always wanted to travel to Hawaii, but I'm scared of flying and I get seasick very easily. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

Disgusted, the genie laughed and said, "That's ridiculous. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific Ocean? Think of how much reinforced concrete that would take . . . how much steel! No way. Think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives have always said that I'm not caring enough, that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . . know why they're crying, . . . understand what they really want when they say 'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . . "

The genie replied, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

So it is just like a young brahmacari (celibate) is a expert in engaging everyone in Krishna Consciousness (God consciousness) is happen to be approached by this figure ... :"Prabhuuu (Lord), by the arrangement of providence I was destined to have this body, but I want only to be Krishna Consciousness. Can you help me?..."

So and our brahmacari thinking that: "Oh, I was thinking that all women in maya, but this is not! She wants only be KC..."

So and he starts associates with her for the purposeee of KC...

5 years after...

A plane is landing in airport. And from plane a figure comes out with a huge bag, big like a mountan. This is our brahmacari after five years. And there two kids sitting on his shoulders, and one of the them spitting on his head. And there is third one with a water gun, shoting everyone in airport... And behind him .... walking his GBC (Gross Body Conception)...
And she tells him: "Prabhuuu! Why don't you be a little KC and take care of this kid.... She says that while looking on her duty free hands and udjusting silver ornaments.